June 17, 2011

Borrowed Happiness

Thirty-nine, single, with a fast-ticking biological clock; I wasn’t prepared for a threat to my fertility. For years I had borrowed the happiness of my friends who were moms, rejoicing in their pregnancy and child rearing tales while imagining my own. Fit and a born cheerleader, I was the one people looked to for diet and exercise advice coupled with encouragement. But my confidence evaporated when my doctor said, “You have multiple uterine fibroids and should consider a hysterectomy”. Life as I’d known it was about to change.

As tears flooded my eyes thoughts careened around my dazed mind. Barren, cursed, infertile, were these dreaded words my new title? This isn’t supposed to happen to me. I’d make a great wife and mom! Where is God? Is He mad at me? Adoption never entered my mind. Frightened and alone I didn’t care that the odds were against me. Deciding to fight the conventional wisdom that I should sanction this drastic surgical measure, I chose a natural and holistic approach. Miracles happen all the time; maybe I’ll be healed if I direct enough positive energy to the right channels of my body. It’s my body; I’m in control!

Over the next four years I embarked on a self-directed path of physical restoration. I had no idea this road of sorrow and pain was God’s route for my soul’s salvation. Constantly I questioned my fate. How could I ever be happy if I’m single and childless? Don’t I deserve to have my heart’s desire? Haven’t I done more good than evil in my life? Why would God torture me if He loves me? My performance oriented people pleaser brain believed God would reward me if I “behaved well”; I had no peace. Convinced the greatest tragedy I could suffer was a solo existence, I made marriage and motherhood an idol to be worshiped and praised above all else.

Life was a treadmill of activities and rituals designed to earn God’s favor in return for answered prayers. With no husband in sight, my resolve waned as my stomach bulged under the weight of the fast-growing fibroids. Exhausted from emotionally holding up myself I waved my flag of surrender and stepped down from my throne. Collapsing into the arms of Jesus my healing would come, but not in a way that fit my paradigms. It wasn’t what I expected, but it was exactly what I needed. “Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and out stretched arm. Nothing is too hard for you” (Jeremiah 32:17).

Your fellow sojourner,

This post contains excerpts from Mary Singer Wick’s Amazon #1 bestselling book, My Heart’s Desire: A Journey Toward Finding Extravagant Love.

Nicknamed “Miss Enthusiasm” by her audience, Mary Singer Wick is a speaker and writer committed to sharing Christ’s love. She enjoys gardening, hiking, and creating a soothing oasis in her home. Jon and Mary live in Raleigh, North Carolina. She is a stepmother to Jon’s three daughters.

Author Website: Extravagant Life