I had started to realize that I viewed my life in two parts: before we lost our child, and after we lost our child.
Everything in my world was shaken to the core. My ability to make decisions had gone out the window. I didn't trust anything I said or did to be a part of God's plan for me.
You see, before our loss I was sure.
I was sure about adoption.
I was sure about a sibling group.
I was sure about going through foster care.
I was sure about being ok with not being pregnant, or having a biological child.
I was sure.
After our loss I was uncertain.
I was uncertain that I wanted to adopt.
I was uncertain that I wanted a sibling group.
I was uncertain about going through foster care.
I was uncertain if I ever wanted to become pregnant again, or have a biological child.
Before and after.
The truth is, my life is partitioned into two parts. I was just wrong about the event in which my life was divided.
My life should be split into before Christ, and after Christ.
I need to remember where I was before Jesus. I need daily reminders of what God saved me from: a life of misery and unhappiness, of constantly seeking approval of others and material things.
I was uncertain of who I was.
I was uncertain of what life was supposed to be about.
I was uncertain of my purpose.
I am sure of my identity…I am a child of God.
I am sure about what my life should be about…being molded into the image of Christ.
I am sure of my purpose…to glorify God and further His kingdom.
My life needs to stop revolving around my grief and start revolving around my God again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad or upset or downright angry when I think about what we have lost, what our marriage has gone through. I am not trying to minimize my pain or the pain of anyone else who has lost a child. I am trying to cling to the God that I know holds my future in his hands. I am trying to center my life around Jesus and not around my circumstances.
"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)
We are selfish people by nature and I will fail at this goal on a daily basis, I know that going in. But God is bigger than my grief and my selfishness. He wants nothing more than to be the only thing I need, the only thing I desire.
And He wants that for you too, friend.
“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.”
~ John Piper
Author Website: Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up