August 5, 2011

Before and After

I had started to realize that I viewed my life in two parts: before we lost our child, and after we lost our child.

Everything in my world was shaken to the core. My ability to make decisions had gone out the window. I didn't trust anything I said or did to be a part of God's plan for me.

You see, before our loss I was sure.
I was sure about adoption.
I was sure about a sibling group.
I was sure about going through foster care.
I was sure about being ok with not being pregnant, or having a biological child.
I was sure.

After our loss I was uncertain.
I was uncertain that I wanted to adopt.
I was uncertain that I wanted a sibling group.
I was uncertain about going through foster care.
I was uncertain if I ever wanted to become pregnant again, or have a biological child.

Before and after.

The truth is, my life is partitioned into two parts. I was just wrong about the event in which my life was divided.

My life should be split into before Christ, and after Christ.

I need to remember where I was before Jesus. I need daily reminders of what God saved me from: a life of misery and unhappiness, of constantly seeking approval of others and material things.

Before Christ
I was uncertain of who I was.
I was uncertain of what life was supposed to be about.
I was uncertain of my purpose.

After Christ
I am sure of my identity…I am a child of God.
I am sure about what my life should be about…being molded into the image of Christ.
I am sure of my purpose…to glorify God and further His kingdom.

My life needs to stop revolving around my grief and start revolving around my God again. That doesn't mean I won't be sad or upset or downright angry when I think about what we have lost, what our marriage has gone through. I am not trying to minimize my pain or the pain of anyone else who has lost a child. I am trying to cling to the God that I know holds my future in his hands. I am trying to center my life around Jesus and not around my circumstances.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
~ Jeremiah 29:11 (NIV)

We are selfish people by nature and I will fail at this goal on a daily basis, I know that going in. But God is bigger than my grief and my selfishness. He wants nothing more than to be the only thing I need, the only thing I desire.

And He wants that for you too, friend.

“God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in him.”
~ John Piper
Heather is a devoted wife and math teacher, but her greatest love? Jesus Christ! She is passionate about international missions, scrumptious dark chocolate, and making people snort water out their noses. She and her husband are on the bumpy & exciting road of foster-to-adopt while still riding that infertility/loss rollercoaster.

Author Website: Reach In, Reach Out, Reach Up